My First Time: A Hilarious Account of Sex Toy Exploration
The package sat on my doorstep for three hours before I worked up the courage to bring it inside. Plain brown wrapping, innocuous return address - yet it might as well have been glowing neon pink with 'SEX TOY INSIDE' stamped across it. My first vibrator had arrived, and suddenly I felt like a teenager sneaking contraband into my own flat. Heart racing, I grabbed it, fumbled with my keys, and practically dove through the door before Mrs Henderson from next door could pop out for one of her 'friendly chats.'
Twenty minutes later, I sat cross-legged on my bed, staring at the sleek purple device like it might suddenly spring to life and judge me. The instruction manual might as well have been written in ancient Sanskrit. Three buttons, five settings, and absolutely no clue where to begin. I'd spent weeks researching, reading reviews, clearing my browser history with the dedication of a forensic cleaner - yet nothing prepared me for this moment of truth.
The Great Unboxing Disaster
My hands actually shook as I pressed the power button. Nothing. Pressed again. Still nothing. Brilliant - I'd psyched myself up for weeks only to receive a dud. Then I noticed the tiny charging port I'd missed completely. Of course it needed charging. Of course I hadn't thought of that. Three hours of charging time stared back at me from the manual. Three. Hours.
So I waited. Made dinner. Watched half a series on Netflix. Checked the charging light approximately 47 times. Called my best friend Sarah, who laughed so hard she nearly choked on her wine when I told her about my 'technical difficulties.' 'Did you at least buy lube?' she asked between giggles. The silence that followed told her everything. 'Oh honey,' she sighed, 'I'm sending you links. Check your phone.'
"The anticipation was killing me. Three hours felt like three days. I reorganised my entire wardrobe, deep-cleaned the bathroom, and seriously considered taking up knitting just to pass the time."
The Comedy of Errors Begins
Finally charged, I locked my bedroom door (then checked it twice), put on what I thought was 'mood music' (it wasn't - nothing kills the vibe quite like your Spotify shuffling to a true crime podcast mid-moment), and attempted to look seductive for... myself? The mirror? The confused cat watching from the dresser?
First lesson: start with the lowest setting. I didn't. The vibrator shot out of my hand like a bar of soap, ricocheted off the headboard, and landed somewhere under the bed. The cat fled. I lay there, mortified, listening to the angry buzzing from beneath my bed frame, wondering if this was the universe's way of telling me to stick to romance novels.
After fishing it out with a coat hanger (dignity had left the building long ago), I tried again. Lower setting this time. Still felt like trying to diffuse a bomb while wearing oven mitts. Too much pressure? Not enough? Wrong angle? Was there supposed to be a manual for body parts I'd had for three decades?
The Breakthrough Moment
Then Sarah's links arrived. Bless that woman. Not just product recommendations - actual advice. 'Relax,' her text said. 'You're not performing for anyone. Take your time. Use more lube than you think you need. And for the love of all that's holy, stop overthinking it.'
So I did. Took a breath. Applied the water-based lube she'd recommended (game-changer, absolute game-changer). Started exploring without the pressure of achieving some earth-shattering moment I'd read about in forums. And something shifted. Not physically - well, not just physically - but mentally. This wasn't about getting it 'right.' It was about getting to know myself.
Twenty minutes later, I understood what all the fuss was about. But more importantly, I understood why I'd been so nervous. It wasn't about the toy itself - it was about giving myself permission to prioritise my own pleasure. To take up space in my own sexuality. To stop treating my desires like something shameful that needed to be hidden in plain brown packaging.
What I Wish I'd Known From the Start
Looking back at that first awkward evening (and the many successful ones that followed), here's what I'd tell my nervous, overthinking past self:
The Real First-Timer's Roadmap
- 1Charge it firstSeriously. Nothing worse than getting in the mood only to hear the sad dying buzz of a low battery. Charge it as soon as it arrives.
- 2Buy lube with your toyNot later, not 'if you need it' - with it. Water-based lube is your best friend. Triple whatever amount you think you need.
- 3Start boringly slowUse it through underwear first. Get used to the sensation. Your body needs time to understand this new feeling.
- 4Forget the choreographyYou're not in a film. Weird positions are fine. Laugh when things get awkward. Take breaks. This is meant to be fun.
- 5Lower your expectationsYour first time probably won't be magical. Mine wasn't. It's a learning curve, and that's completely normal.
- 6Clean immediately afterFuture you will be grateful. Warm water and toy cleaner, let it air dry, done.
The Unexpected Life Lessons
Six months later, that purple vibrator had taught me more than just about physical pleasure. It taught me about boundaries - saying yes to what feels good, no to what doesn't. About communication - being honest with partners about wants and needs. About self-care - making time for myself without guilt.
I started recommending toys to friends (after a glass of wine, naturally). Discovered that almost everyone had a hilarious first-time story. My friend Emma accidentally ordered one to her parents' house. Lucy's arrived during a Zoom meeting and the delivery driver rang the doorbell for a signature. We weren't alone in our awkwardness - we were part of a ridiculous, wonderful club of people figuring it out as we went.
"The real discovery wasn't just physical pleasure - it was the radical act of prioritising my own needs without apology."
Your Shopping List for Success
After my trial-and-error journey (emphasis on error), here's exactly what you need for a successful first experience:
The Questions Everyone's Too Embarrassed to Ask
- Will my neighbours hear it?
Modern vibrators are surprisingly quiet. If you can't hear it through a closed door, neither can they. Test it against your palm first to gauge the noise level. - What if I can't orgasm with it?
Totally normal! It took me four attempts to figure out what worked. Think of it as learning a new skill - nobody expects you to be perfect immediately. - Is it normal to feel guilty afterwards?
Unfortunately, yes. Years of social conditioning don't disappear overnight. Be patient with yourself. You're not doing anything wrong. - Can I become 'dependent' on it?
No more than you can become dependent on any other form of pleasure. Your body doesn't forget how to respond to other stimulation. - What if my partner feels threatened?
A toy is a tool, not competition. Most partners find it exciting to explore together. Communication is key. - How often should I replace it?
With proper care, a quality silicone toy can last years. Replace if you notice any tears, changes in texture, or persistent odours after cleaning.
The Permission Slip You Didn't Know You Needed
If you've made it this far, you're probably where I was six months ago - curious but nervous, excited but uncertain. So let me give you what I needed then: permission. Permission to want this. Permission to prioritise your pleasure. Permission to spend money on yourself. Permission to lock the door and take your time. Permission to laugh when it gets weird (and it will get weird).
That plain brown package on my doorstep changed more than just my Tuesday nights. It started conversations with friends, improved communication with partners, and most importantly, taught me that my pleasure wasn't something to be ashamed of or hidden away. It was mine to explore, enjoy, and celebrate.
Your first time might be awkward. Mine certainly was. But somewhere between dropping the vibrator for the third time and finally figuring out what that middle button did, you'll discover something important: you deserve to feel good. And that's worth every moment of awkwardness along the way.
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